Letting Go Of The Past
by Guardian Angel
Summary: Buffy must face her past in order to embrace her future. B/S


Letting Go Of The Past

By **Guardian Angel** (buffyafterdark@yahoo.com)

1/15/02

**Rated:** PG-13

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them.

**Timeline:** Sometime after _Gone_.

**Author's Notes:**  Well, the idea for this little piece came to me earlier this evening, but I was too tired to write it.  So there I was, laying in bed a couple hours later, and sentences just started flowing through my brain.  I finally gave up on the idea of sleep, I won't be able to until I finish this!

*****

Buffy wandered through the cemetery, waiting.  Glancing down at her watch, she noted that he still had five more minutes before he would be late.  She continued to pace.

It was kind of odd, but even in this lonely graveyard, so far from her home town of Sunnydale, she felt completely at home.  The darkness didn't bother her, nor did the slightly creepy way the bare branches of the trees swayed in the chill breeze, looking like arms reaching out to get her.

She had gotten so used to being in cemeteries after dark, it had stopped phasing her long ago.

And finally, he came.  Just as she knew he would.

She hadn't talked to him in person, just left a message on his voice mail asking him to meet her here, at midnight.  She could have asked him to meet her earlier, but midnight just seemed so symbolic.  The old melting into the new, yesterday making way for today.

Now he walked towards her through the darkness, his leather duster swirling around his legs and blending into the night.  He stopped a few feet away from her, and they took a moment to study each other.

Even after all this time, he was still so damn handsome.  His face narrow and poetically sexy, his body a direct contrast to the dreaminess of his face, all lean, hard muscle.  She remembered that body all too well.  Sometimes she would go days, weeks without thinking of him, and then, suddenly, memories of the time they had shared together would come rushing back, bursting into her head with such clarity it felt like only yesterday.

Sadly, it had been several years since she had been able to call him her lover.

After a long silence, he finally spoke.  "Buffy."  That was it, just her name.  And yet it conveyed a wealth of meaning.  Happiness, grief, laughter, worry… and love.  Looking into his chocolaty eyes, she still found love residing there.  

It saddened her, knowing what was but could never be, but at the same time it made her smile.  No matter what, he would always love her.

And she would always love him.

"Hey."  She smiled softly at him.  "Thanks for meeting me."  

"Always."  He returned the smile, a hint of worry still in his gaze.  It had been several months since they had last spoken, right after she had been resurrected.  "What's wrong?"  He took a couple steps towards her, until he towered over her, looking down into her upturned face.

Her smile widened slightly, shaking her head.  "Nothing.  Nothing's wrong.  I just… I just wanted to see you, wanted to talk to you."  Stepping away from him a step, she offered her hand.  "Walk with me for awhile?"  

He took her proffered palm, linking their fingers together.  They began to walk.  It felt so natural, holding hands and walking quietly through the shadows together.  They had done it so many times before, stealing moments of solitude together while she was on patrol, or on nights when they just needed to get away for a little while.  She felt a pang of sadness so sharp she wanted to cry, knowing that this would be the last time they walked thus.  Still, she knew she was making the right decision.

"Angel, I wanted to talk to you about something… actually, about someone."  She hesitated for a moment.  "It's Spike."

"Spike?"  He frowned, wondering what ill deed his grandson was up to now.  "What's he done?"  He knew that the younger vampire was living in Sunnydale, he even knew that he occasionally helped the Scooby Gang fight the good fight.  Still, he knew his childe's capacity for evil, and had never doubted that he could have ulterior motives behind his actions.  "Just tell me, and I'll put a stop to it.  I promise."  

Buffy stopped walking and turned to face him, her hand still clasped in his.  "No.  He hasn't done anything."  She gathered up her courage, determined to get the words out.  "I love him."  There, that wasn't so bad, was it?

"Love?  You love who?"  Angel frowned, still not quite getting it.

"I love Spike."  It was the first time she had said the words aloud, to anyone, and she was surprised at how much lighter she felt, having finally gotten her declaration off her chest.

Angel stared at her for a long moment, then dropped her hand and walked a few feet away.  Still saying nothing, he slammed his fist into the rough bark of a tall oak tree.  The sickening crack of bones snapping filled the air, and he swore softly in a language she didn't understand.

After a moment he turned and walked back to her, his damaged hand dangling at his side.  "Now, say that again?"

Buffy reached out and gently took his bleeding hand in hers.  Even as she watched, the bones began to knit back together, the flow of blood slowed, and his skin began to mend.  It would be awhile before the hand was fully useable again, but she could see the process starting under her gaze.  She brought his hand to her lips, kissing the torn skin softly, before letting go of his fingers.

"I love Spike."  She raked a hand through her hair, still unsure as to what his final reaction was going to be.  She knew it must be a tough pill for him to swallow, the image of his grandson and his ex-lover together.

"I see."  He nodded slowly, as if still processing the information in his head.  He held out his good hand again, and she took it.  They began walking once more, each lost in their own thoughts.

After several long minutes, Angel spoke again.  "He makes you happy?"

"Yes.  Yes, he does."  She paused for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts and put her emotions into words.  "Ever since I was brought back, I've been… different, I guess.  I don't really know how to describe it.  But suddenly, it's hard to work up enough emotion to care about the world around me, about my job and my friends.  About the only ones I can bring myself to truly care about anymore are you and Dawn.  And now Spike."  Her eyes implored him to believe her, to understand what she was trying to say.  "He makes me feel again, Angel.  More than I ever thought possible, especially after…"  She still didn't quite know how to fully explain her stay in Heaven, and so just left it at that.

"I wanted to tell you, in person.  I know we've both gone on with our separate lives, but still… I felt you deserved to know."  

After a long moment, he nodded.  "Thank you."  He studied her for another moment.  "You do look happier than when I last saw you."  In a leap of good faith that only Spike would have understood, Angel stepped back and mentally handed the heart of the woman he loved more than anything to his grandson.  "If he makes you happy, then I guess I can live with it."  He paused for a moment, as if debating his next words.  "But if he _ever_ hurts you, I'll kill him."  There was no room for disagreement with his statement; his words were final.  

He tugged her gently into his arms, folding his coat around them and holding on for a moment longer.  Content in the simple pleasure of his embrace, she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his shoulder.  

"You'll always be my girl."  The words were spoken in the softest murmur against her ear, a person standing mere inches away wouldn't have heard them.

She smiled, pulling back enough to look into his face.  "I know.  I love you, Angel."  Despite the smile that touched her lips, her eyes were filled with sadness and a gentle longing.  They both knew that this was different from her relationship with Riley.  In a way, this was good-bye.

His lips quirked up in that characteristic half smile of his that she had always found so sexy.  He touched his lips to her forehead, then brushed them gently across hers in a soft, chaste kiss.

"Well, well, well, isn't this a cozy little scene?"  The voice cut through their peaceful moment, whiplash sharp.  A form moved out from the cover of the trees, swaggering boldly towards them. 

"Spike.  What are you doing here?"  Buffy turned to face him, and Angel's hands came up to rest protectively on her arms.  

"I followed you."  He stopped a foot or so away, took an angry swig from the bottle of Jack Daniels he carried at his side.

"Now why doesn't that surprise me?"  

Ignoring his grandsire's slightly sarcastic words, the blond vampire continued.  "And look at what I found… Nancy Boy and my slayer, all cuddled up in the local cemetery."

Angel looked down at the woman in his arms, chuckling softly.  "You haven't told him yet, hmm?"

She craned her neck around to look at him, answering, "No.  I needed to talk to you first."

"Now, what could be so bloody important that you'd go running to tell this bugger before telling me?"  His tone was full of belligerence as he took another swig from his bottle.

Angry at the way he was acting, Buffy stalked forward and grabbed the bottle of Jack from his grasp.  Never taking her gaze off of his face, she tossed the bottle as far as she could.  A small crash was heard in the distance as it hit the ground and broke.

"Damn you Spike!"  She stalked even closer to him, forcing him to back up a few steps or get run over by a furious Slayer.  "I wanted you to be sober the first time I told you that I love you!" 

The blond vampire stopped short as his back ran up against a tree.  "Now wait a bloody minute, you don't think you can shag my brains out, then just go back to your Nancy Boy like nothing ever happened.  Sorry peaches, never gonna…"  His words trailed off as her words finally began to soak into his alcohol-blurred brain.

"Wait, did I hear you correctly?  You didn't just say that…"  He stared at her, still not quite willing to believe.

"I love you."  She met his gaze squarely, refusing to look away or back down until he believed her.

As a grin began to creep across his face, he started to laugh softly.  His chuckles grew until he was shaking with them, and he reached out to drag a bewildered Buffy closer to him, holding her against his body as he continued to laugh.

Finally he regained enough control over himself to speak, although he continued to grin like a mad idiot.  "Well, it's about damn time luv!"

As the pair stared deeply into each other's eyes, heedless of their surroundings, Angel nodded once to himself and turned away.  His steps slow and even, he left the cemetery, leaving his Slayer to face her destiny.

*****

Finished.  Please, lemme know what you think.  I thrive on feedback!


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